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How to create your own True Metal Band
Datum: Sonntag 23 September 2001 14:27:44
Thema: Fun Stuff




Diese Mail bekam ich vor einigen Tagen von Virginia !!!


Hi !

Bin im Moment in Foren-Laune, schaut mal, was ich nettes beim Metall gefunden hab:
How to make your own True Metal band ...

Make sure you're German, Italian or Swedish.
If you aren't, change your nationality.
Get four other guys together, all should have long hair.

Make sure your singer sounds exactly like a cross between Michael Kiske and Bruce Dickinson.
He should sing clean and high-pitched.

Take the guys shopping to the Halloween-costume store and pick up
the most ridiculous medieval costumes you can find.
A few sheepskins and a viking helmet might help too.
Make sure you look as gay as is humanly possible.

Now you are ready to start writing your debut album.
Make sure you have the titles 'warriors of steel',
'riding the wind', and 'dragonlord' checked on your list of titles to use.
Other titles you might want to consider are 'fire, blood and glory', 'brave knights of fire',
'the triumph of battle' and 'the glory of my mighty steel'.
We know these titles don't make any sense, but it's ok;
you're German/Italian/Swedish now so the excuse is that your english is just not so good.
When writing lyrics, be sure to use the words 'steel', 'glory', 'mighty', 'brave', 'warrior',
'dragon', 'true' 'metal', 'fire' and 'king'.
Use these words plentifully and use them in every goddamn song.

Try to put as much cheese on your lyrics as possible.
Remember to experiment with different flavours.
If you're stuck, good sentences to use are; 'riding high across the sky on mighty wings of vengeance towards glory',
'fighting for glory with your mighty steel of justice', and 'we're standing high,
tall, proud and brave, fighting for the glory of true metal,
against false metal while the dragon flies high on the winds of eternity'.

Don't worry if what you write makes no sense at all. You're "true" metal.
People will understand.

Make sure that all songs you write rely completely on a catchy chorus.
Make sure that you only write songs in 4/4th and 3/4th.
The ones in 3/4th should be medieval ballads or sing-along battle hymns.
Make sure that the only song structure you use is simple verse/chorus.
Do remember to stick a guitar solo in there after the second chorus though.
Make sure that none of the songs is longer than 3 minutes.
The only exception to the above couple of rules is the last song on the album,
which should be a 6-7 minute song that's either a cheesy ballad called 'flying away to dreamland',
or a repetitive mid-tempo tune called 'the triumph of glory'.
This will be your 'epic' moment on your album.
Done writing? That wasn't so hard, was it?

Now get a record company, preferably Nuclear Blast.
Now get Tommy Hansen or Sasha Paeth to produce your album, and get somebody like Kai Hansen,
Roland Grapow, Timo Tolkki, Oscar Dronjak or Fabio Lione to do a guest appearance on your album.
Don't exhaust these people for material though,
a three-second solo or a couple of vocal lines are already more than enough.
The record company will take care of the rest.

Now it's time to talk to the press;
Declare that your singer is influenced by Michael Kiske and Bruce Dickinson.
Do not mention anyone else.
Say that your favorite bands and greatest influences are old Helloween and Iron Maiden.
Be sure to mention that your favorite albums are the Keeper of the Seven Keys cds.
Lastly, state that you are true metal and that you are here to teach all false metal bands a lesson in true metal.
Death to false metal!

Congratulations, your album just went straight into the German, Italian and Swedish charts.
You are now a successful pathetic true metal band.

So. Da gibts dann einen ca. 100km langen, ausgesprochen lustischen Thread zu,
wo sie eine open-source-true-metal-Band aufmachen.... und für die Songtitel gibt's das automatische True-Metal-Songtitel-Macherchen:

http://www.nucleophilia.com/fun/truemetal.html
viel Spaß wünscht Virginia
Vielen Dank an Virginia, die immer wieder auf solch lustigen Kram stösst.





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