How to create your own True Metal Band
Datum: Sonntag 23 September 2001 14:27:44
Thema: Fun Stuff
Diese Mail bekam ich vor einigen Tagen von Virginia !!!
Bin im Moment in Foren-Laune, schaut mal, was ich
nettes beim Metall gefunden hab:
How to make your own True Metal band ...
Make sure you're German, Italian or Swedish.
Get four other guys together, all should have long
Make sure your singer sounds exactly like a cross
Kiske and Bruce Dickinson.
He should sing clean and
Take the guys shopping to the Halloween-costume store
and pick up
the most ridiculous medieval costumes you can find.
and a viking helmet might help too.
Make sure you look
as gay as is
Now you are ready to start writing your debut album.
Make sure you
have the titles 'warriors of steel',
and 'dragonlord' checked on your list of titles to
Other titles you might want to consider are 'fire,
glory', 'brave knights of fire',
'the triumph of
battle' and 'the
glory of my mighty steel'.
We know these titles don't make any sense, but it's
German/Italian/Swedish now so the excuse is that your
english is just
not so good.
When writing lyrics, be sure to use the
words 'steel', 'glory', 'mighty', 'brave', 'warrior',
'metal', 'fire' and 'king'.
Use these words plentifully and use
them in every goddamn song.
Try to put as much cheese on your lyrics as possible.
experiment with different flavours.
If you're stuck, good sentences to use are; 'riding
high across the
sky on mighty wings of vengeance towards glory',
'fighting for glory
with your mighty steel of justice', and 'we're
proud and brave, fighting for the glory of true metal,
metal while the dragon flies high on the winds of
Don't worry if what you write makes no sense at all.
People will understand.
Make sure that all songs you write rely completely on
Make sure that you only write songs in 4/4th and
The ones in
3/4th should be medieval ballads or sing-along battle
Make sure that the only song structure you use is
Do remember to stick a guitar solo in
there after the
second chorus though.
Make sure that none of the songs is longer than 3
The only exception to the above couple of rules is the
last song on
which should be a 6-7 minute song that's
either a cheesy
ballad called 'flying away to dreamland',
tune called 'the triumph of glory'.
This will be your
on your album.
Done writing? That wasn't so hard, was it?
Now get a record company, preferably Nuclear Blast.
Now get Tommy Hansen or Sasha Paeth to produce your
album, and get
somebody like Kai Hansen,
Roland Grapow, Timo Tolkki,
or Fabio Lione to do a guest appearance on your album.
these people for material though,
a three-second solo
or a couple of
vocal lines are already more than enough.
take care of the rest.
Now it's time to talk to the press;
Declare that your singer is influenced by Michael
Kiske and Bruce
Do not mention anyone else.
Say that your favorite bands and greatest influences
Helloween and Iron Maiden.
Be sure to mention that your favorite albums are the
Keeper of the
Seven Keys cds.
Lastly, state that you are true metal and that you are
teach all false metal bands a lesson in true metal.
Death to false
Congratulations, your album just went straight into
Italian and Swedish charts.
You are now a successful
So. Da gibts dann einen ca. 100km langen,
ausgesprochen lustischen Thread zu,
wo sie eine
open-source-true-metal-Band aufmachen.... und für die
Songtitel gibt's das automatische
viel Spaß wünscht
Vielen Dank an Virginia, die immer wieder auf solch lustigen Kram stösst.